I have been a politician of one sort or another since I was elected to the Birkenhead Borough Council back in 1977 .
I first entered Parliament as a protégé of Rob Muldoon, and was hand-picked by him to take over his popular Sunday afternoon radio show when he retired.
As Minister of Police I amalgamated traffic officers and police, at a stroke turning jackbooted moustachioed morons into policemen and policemen into glorified revenue collectors. And in a knee jerk reaction to a tragedy, rather than correct the problems within my portfolio that allowed the tragedy to occur, I put huge expense and inconvenience on law-abiding firearms owners—who were never ever the problem.
In my first term as Mayor of Auckland I promoted a motorway through Remuera, attacked Asian immigrants, and generally made myself so unpopular I made the dishwater-wet bran-flake Dick Hubbard electable.
In my second term, I ran on a platform of keeping rates down and then proceeded to raise them every year I was there. I promised to keep spending in check, but instead my council spent like a drunken sailor on a Singapore shore leave while borrowing heavily to keep the party going. In fact, under my stewardship my council borrowed more than any other council in the country.
I finished this term so unpopular I managed to make the insane self-abuser Len Brown electable, and left ratepayers in debt to the tune of nearly one billion dollars.
I am now the ACT Party candidate for the party’s flagship seat in Parliament, running a platform promoting fiscal responsibility and opposing this government’s unsustainable spending and borrowing.
(Clearly, someone is desperate for my money.)
Who am I?
Answer: I am John Banks, the Minister for Rhyming Slang. And my former council
off-sider Aaron Bhatnagar manages my National Party opponents in Epsom.
I feel comfortable about my chances.
UPDATE: Added comment re firearms.