Thursday, 19 May 2011

Who am I? [updated]

I have been a politician of one sort or another since I was elected to the Birkenhead Borough Council back in 1977 .

I first entered Parliament as a protégé of Rob Muldoon, and was hand-picked by him to take over his popular Sunday afternoon radio show when he retired.

As Minister of Police I amalgamated traffic officers and police, at a stroke turning jackbooted moustachioed morons into policemen and policemen into glorified revenue collectors. And in a knee jerk reaction to a tragedy, rather than correct the problems within my portfolio that allowed the tragedy to occur, I put huge expense and inconvenience on law-abiding firearms owners—who were never ever the problem.

In my first term as Mayor of Auckland I promoted a motorway through Remuera, attacked Asian immigrants, and generally made myself so unpopular I made the dishwater-wet bran-flake Dick Hubbard electable.

In my second term,  I ran on a platform of keeping rates down and then proceeded to raise them every year I was there. I promised to keep spending in check, but instead my council spent like a drunken sailor on a Singapore shore leave while borrowing heavily to keep the party going. In fact, under my stewardship my council borrowed more than any other council in the country.

I finished this term so unpopular I managed to make the insane self-abuser Len Brown electable, and left ratepayers in debt to the tune of nearly one billion dollars.

I am now the ACT Party candidate for the party’s flagship seat in Parliament, running a platform promoting fiscal responsibility and opposing this government’s unsustainable spending and borrowing.

(Clearly, someone is desperate for my money.)

Who am I?

(Answer below.)


Answer: I am John Banks, the Minister for Rhyming Slang. And my former council
off-sider Aaron Bhatnagar manages my National Party opponents in Epsom.
I feel comfortable about my chances.

UPDATE: Added comment re firearms.


  1. You forgot - "I'm the politician who in a knee jerk reaction to a tragedy, rather than correct the problems within my portfolio that allowed the tragedy to occur, put huge expense and inconvenience on law abiding firearms owners - who were never the problem in the first place".


  2. I'm so liberal I voted against Homosexual Law Reform in 1985, now I'm standing for the "liberal party".

    However, to be fair the motorway he promoted was on land long set aside and purchased for the purpose - he gold-plated it to being not worth doing.

  3. As I constantly point out to all the ACToids, there's barely gold leaf between Banks and ACT's other self-made man, John Boscawen. But do you hear them complain about John? Nope, not a peep. They're either too worried about one John, or not worried enough about the other.

  4. ...and as I also like to remind people, Saint Ruth of Richardson also voted against homosexual law reform, so stop whining.

  5. But did Ruth or Boscowen ever wax lyrical about shoving barbed wire up gays anus's though?


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