Tuesday, April 01, 2008

I recant.

I've taken some time away to rethink things, and I have to say upon close reflection that all my opponents are correct. About everything. I recant completely of all my former heresies, and hereby embrace all the contradictions of my former opponents. This I now believe:

  • We are all our brother's keepers -- we must be forced to keep our brothers. Any other notion is immoral, not to say evil.
  • It's sexist to say "brothers." It's judgemental to say "evil"!
  • It's not my fault -- I was made that way. It's not bad behaviour, it's bad luck. No one is responsible for bad behaviour: We have no free will; society is to blame.
  • We can't ever know anything about the past, we know nothing for certain about the present, but we can accurately project the future to three decimal places.
  • There's no problems in Mathematics being silent to causality; reality itself is silent as to causality.
  • Wot's reality?
  • If it's in the models, then it must be right.
  • If the UN says it, then it must be right.
  • If it's in Wikipedia, then it has to be right (especially if the subject is controversial).
  • If George Bush says it, then it has to be wrong (especially if the subject is controversial).
  • Global warming is man-made. We did it. We did it here, we did it on Mars and Venus, we did it in the Medieval period, we did it in the early twentieth century. We are all to blame.
  • Al Gore is always right. I love Saint Al, and look forward to helping him save the planet.
  • The Greens are always right. I love Jeanette, and look forward to helping her clear her gorse.
  • We have plenty of power, and no need to worry. All forms of alternative energy are absolutely reliable, but nuclear energy is not.
  • But we are running out of resources, and the price system is incapable of letting us know in time. We are a virus on the planet and should be wiped out. (After you, please. I do believe in courtesy.)
  • We have plenty of wealth in New Zealand, and no need to catch up with the rest of the developed world. In fact, no need even to be in the developed world. Industry is so last century.
  • Islamist violence will go away if we just ignore it. Can't we just all get along?
  • Crime will go away if we just ignore it. Can't we just stop being judgemental (see above under 'Society is to blame anyway.')
  • Tax is good, and more tax is better. Except on Tuesdays.
  • You didn't earn your money anyway - society let you have it. Be grateful.
  • You can't run your own life; you need politicians and planners to run it for you. Be grateful.
  • Minimum wage laws raise wages for everybody. We should raise minimum wages to twenty, thirty, forty dollars an hour -- and force all employers to hire extra staff. Be grateful we let you have staff ... or a business.
  • The way to lower housing costs is to force house-builders to build low-cost houses. Building inspectors always know what they're doing.
  • The way to lower the cost of land is to restrict its supply. Planners always know what they're doing.
  • The way to lower the cost of money is to nationalise it. Central bankers always know what they're doing.
  • The way to promote business activity is to increase compliance costs.
  • The way to protect individual rights is for the government to redefine them.
  • The way to protect individual responsibilities is for the government to assume them.
  • Businessmen are all thieves. Thank goodness for bureaucrats.
  • Politicians are all honest. Thank goodness journalists don't bother them with hard questions.
  • Anonymous commenters are absolutely justified in insulting people who aren't themselves anonymous -- and absolutely correct to complain when other bloggers use obvious pseudonyms to protect themselves. Thank goodness we have unrueful people unwilling to put their name to their comments to keep the rest of us honest.
  • Thank goodness too that we have sub-standard bloggers who, while unwilling to put their names to their own posts, are nonetheless willing to insist that political advertisers put their names and addresses on their ads.
  • People are right to feel aggrieved when speakers at large functions don't personally stroke them. Thank goodness for sleazy con-men who do.
  • Voters are right to feel aggrieved when politicians offer real choices. Thank goodness for sleazy con-men who don't.
  • It's sexist to say "con-men."
  • It's racist to say "one law for all." It's not racist however to say that one race should have special courts, special legal privileges, and special voting rights.

=> This I believe, on this date of April 1st, in the year of our Lord 2008 ... at least until midday anyway.

UPDATE: The Museum of Hoaxes has history's all-time Top 100 April Fools Day hoaxes. My favourite was NPR Radio's 1992 announcement that, in a surprise move, Richard Nixon, was running for President again under the campaign slogan, "I didn't do anything wrong, and I won't do it again."

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7 Comments:

Anonymous writeups said...

Did you pop a party pill to get the energy to write that PC? ;)

4/01/2008 12:39:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heh. Finally PC. Arise redeemed son of sustainability. You are forgiven.

"We can't ever know anything about the past, we know nothing for certain about the present, but we can accurately project the future to three decimal places."

Excellent. And yes, there's people really that believe that...

- Sam

4/01/2008 12:59:00 pm  
Blogger Dave Mann said...

Hilarious PC! I laughed like a drain! Thanks for your humour.

4/01/2008 01:46:00 pm  
Anonymous XYX said...

So what's the diff with using Anon or calling yourself XYZ?

What people call themselves on insignificant blogs is of no matter. What people call themselves when dealing with executives in real life is.

4/01/2008 02:47:00 pm  
Blogger Elijah Lineberry said...

Well said, Peter.

For the record, my name actually is Elijah Lineberry and I, too, have a level of contempt for people posting anonymously.

What you say is further evidence of the creeping communism within New Zealand, and I only wish certain libertarians would stop joining in!

Love the mention of Nixon! lol ...(and you are right, he did do nothing wrong)

4/01/2008 06:18:00 pm  
Blogger Rebel Radius said...

LOL - a great read PC.

Check this one out
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2008/04/01/npenguin101.xml

4/01/2008 07:41:00 pm  
Anonymous xyz said...

Being anonymous is far more moral than making up a random name to deceive others with. And it is more moral than having multiple nicks.

4/01/2008 08:04:00 pm  

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