Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Leave the Key under the mat, please

When you get to the voting booth this year and your blue pen is hovering over John Key's name -- getting ready to write him a blank cheque based on little more than a nice smile, a good story and the ability to change his mind at the drop of an order paper -- give some thought to his choice of architecture.  Any man who can stand proudly outside a house like this with that proud look of ownership on his face  has to be treated with considerable caution.     

Paul at the Fundy Post critiques a residence utterly without charm.

It is difficult to know where to begin. Here is a house (described somewhat disingenuously by the Herald as a "bach") which has the appearance of a miniature office building. Rather than its present location at Omaha Beach, its design suits it to a business park on the outskirts of the city, conveniently near major transport hubs. The reader should note the extravagant and charmless cornice, apparently supported by massive piers, as well as the floor-to-ceiling windows in tinted glass. The reader should note these and resolve never to have a home with these features; unless, that is, he should wish to have regular visits from photocopier salesmen, for surely they will flock to his door.

Should one be visiting Mr Key in his holiday home, whether to attempt to sell office products or for social reasons, it would be very bad form to tap one of those seemingly weighty piers. It would chime like a bell. The piers must be hollow, since the wooden deck which apparently supports and surrounds them could not bear the weight of so much masonry. Wits might observe that this is a hollow house for a hollow man.

Not that he's not entitled to live in whatever kind of appalling house he wants to, of course.  Just as we're quite entitled to judge him for that choice.  As architect Claude Megson said when reflecting on the appalling artistic choices of Alan Gibbs (this was back in the eighties when Gibbs was advising on how taxpayers' money should be divvied up), if these people don't have the taste or even the honesty they were even born with, how can we trust them in any other sense?

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14 Comments:

Blogger Oswald Bastable said...

A caravan may have been an improvement!

1/07/2008 09:30:00 pm  
Anonymous Lance (SOLO) said...

The words "vet clinic" spring to mind.

1/07/2008 10:15:00 pm  
Blogger Shea said...

My old lego, ca 1982, had pieces that could have built exactly that.

1/07/2008 10:46:00 pm  
Blogger Elijah Lineberry said...

Gosh..this is what happens when ghastly "Working Class people with money" go spending it!

Another reason why these types of people should not be allowed to mix with 'normal' chaps.

(I shall not even start on a critique of Mr Key's working class accent... *shudder*

1/08/2008 09:18:00 am  
Blogger Eric Olthwaite said...

Look, what is wrong with John Key's house?

It is light, has lots of doors and windows to open, a big shady deck to bbq or sit on, a no-maintenance garden. It looks bloody perfect for a bach.

1/08/2008 04:28:00 pm  
Anonymous John. F. Minto said...

It is a nice one to take Nicky Watson there for a weekend.

1/08/2008 04:47:00 pm  
Blogger The Tomahawk Kid said...

I can picture exactly how this monstrosity came about.
Watch The Fountainhead.
Howard Roarke was called into a meeting to discuss his first commission. The committee said we love what you have designed - but we want you to make THESE changes - and wheeled out a model with some hideous amendments added.
Those cornices, and perhaps the random door at a random angle look like an afterthought or add-on. by some architecturally uneducated or taste-impaired persons attempt to be CREATIVE.
A bit like a PC-users effort at designing their own business card, incorporating 23 different fonts, a starburst, and a rainbow gradient fill - LOVELY!

1/08/2008 05:23:00 pm  
Anonymous the drunken watchman said...

come now, gentlemen ....

a cold beer on a hot summer's day will taste just as good on John Key's deck

.... unless of course his beer isn't up to your standards, either

1/09/2008 09:55:00 pm  
Blogger PC said...

Ha! He probably has a fridge full of Corona. :-/

1/09/2008 11:47:00 pm  
Anonymous Falafulu Fisi said...

the drunken watchman said...
unless of course his beer isn't up to your standards, either

Happy new year drunken watchman, how was Papamoa beach on new year's eve? Did you have a bonfire on that night and drinking Waikato beers?

1/10/2008 12:32:00 am  
Blogger The Tomahawk Kid said...

a cold beer on a hot summer's day will taste just as good on John Key's deck!

. . . But if you had the choice, a cold beer on the deck of a NICE PLACE, would be preferable to a cold beer on the deck of a SLUM.

Goes to show that having money doesn't improve ones taste - or quality of thought for that matter

1/10/2008 08:58:00 am  
Anonymous Tiki East said...

haha brilliant....as I've always expected with Key himself - one blow and it will all come crashing down.

1/17/2008 07:58:00 pm  
Anonymous ghostwhowalks said...

remember how Bill English had professional voice coaching over a couple months back early 2002 to get RID of the southland drawl, so anything could happen with Sharkeys 'Shirley to Soho' twang.

One thing about the photo, cant be recent since well he didnt spend much time outside, not the slightest hint of a tan

1/18/2008 09:31:00 pm  
Blogger Ri said...

"...the material uninhabitability of the slums is preferable to the moral uninhabitability of John Key's bach." - paraphrasing Hundertwasser.

Thanks for the blog, much laughter to cover the tears at the sorry state we've found ourselves in.

1/21/2008 06:54:00 pm  

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