Advice for women around World Cup time

Continuing our advice for women this morning, here's advice for women around World Cup time. If you're wondering what "World Cup time" is, then be assured that the one in urgent need of this advice is you.

DEAR WOMEN

*List of Rules*

1. The first rule is to read and print out these rules. Remember that ignorance is no defence in law.

2. 7 Sept to 20 October 2007 is hereby declared Rugby World Cup Month (yes Virginia, it is the Rugby World Cup about which we're talking). During Rugby World Cup Month you should read the sports section of the newspaper and print out the TV schedule so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the Rugby World Cup. That way you will be able to join in conversations and sound intelligent (or at least as intelligent as he is), and to deliver food and drink on time. If you fail to follow this advice, do NOT complain about not receiving any attention or of food being uneaten.

3. During the Rugby World Cup, the television is the man's domain, as are the VCR, the DVD and the fridge. If you even take a glimpse at the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).

4. Passing by in front of the TV during a game is fine, on rare occasions, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without causing distractions. Standing or dancing nude in front of the TV is acceptable, at halftime breaks (while no halftime interviews or replays are taking place), but do ensure you replace your clothing right after because if you catch a cold, there will be no time to take you to the doctor or look after you during Rugby World Cup month.

5. During Rugby World Cup Month your man will be either blind, deaf and mute, loud and belligerent, or he will be comatose -- unless that is he requires a refill of drink or something to eat. Be aware that means he will be unavailable to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, decide whether "your arse looks big in this," or to converse intelligently about relationships or Hollywood gossip. If the baby's nappy needs changing, then knock yourself out.

6. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 (two) six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to heat up, nibble on and microwave. Please do not make any funny faces when other unwashed men come over to watch games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between the hours of 12pm and 3pm, unless of course they replay a good game during those hours.

7. (This is most important is you wish to retain any kind of realitionship with your man.) If you see him upset because one of his teams is losing, do not (DO NOT!) say "Get over it, it's only a game", or "Don't worry,
they'll win next time," or "Never mind, at least no one got hurt." If you say any of these things, your life will be hell for at least one year thereafter. It's just not worth it. Your so called "words of encouragement" or sympathy will not lead to greater reciprocal understanding between sexes or domestic bliss but the reverse. Bite your tongue.

8. The Rugby World Cup is not a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together." The Rugby World Cup is serious. You can talk during halftime (particularly to ask about refreshments) but only when the ads are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing. You may talk during game, but only to say "Nice try" (and only if the right team scored) or "Doing it all day, ref" (but only if the right team is being penalised). The safest course of action is silence, and provision of large trays of food and drink.

9. Replays of the tries are important. Very important. It's not possible to see try replays too many times, even those scored by the wrong team (its important to know which pillock to blame for missing a tackle). Don't interrupt during replays (see point eight above).

10. Do NOT to have any babies, overseas visitors or other child-related parties or gatherings during Rugby World Cup Month, or organise any gatherings that require your man's attendance during Rugby World Cup Month because:
a) He will not go,
b) He will not go, and
c) He will dislike you for it if you ask him.

11. But, if a male friend invites him over on a Sunday to watch a game, start packing the chilly bin. Quickly.

12. Rugby World Cup highlights on TV every night are just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "But you have already seen this," or "Why don't you change the channel to
something we can all watch?" or "Isn't 'Desperate Housewives on now?" On this point, see Rule 3 above.

13. Do not complain that your man's new beard is "scratchy" or makes him "look like a caveman." Showing support for the All Blacks by trying to look like Carl Hayman is more important during Rugby World Cup Month (to him) than your relationship. If you don't love your country as much as he does, then that will makes him sad and you should leave. Quietly and during the ads if possible.

14. And finally, please avoid expressions such as "Thank goodness the Rugby World Cup is only every four years". He is immune to words such as these, mostly because after RWC 2007 comes RWC 2011 -- and that's happening right here in NZ. Start saving now.