Friday, 29 April 2005

Alcohol: The real health tonic

Friday afternoon is a good time to reflect that the best tonic for the brain is alcohol, and as we all know there's no better time to start taking that tonic than a Friday afternoon.

Let me paint a picture for you to tell the full story. Imagine a herd of buffalo stampeding across the prairy - or, if you're a 'Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy' fan you can imagine a herd of Perfectly Normal Beasts intead. That herd will only run as fast as the slowest buffalo in the herd; in order to speed up the herd, those slow buffalo need to be killed off.

Such is the case with our brain cells. The neural wiring of our brains is so complex that most of the brain is used for most of our thinking, so as with the herd of stampeding beasts, the brain only functions as fast as the slowest of our brain cells. The best thing to improve our thinking, therefore, is to ruthlessly cull those slow brain cells - which is exactly what alcohol does for us!

Now, I first heard that story in a bar some years, and as we know stories confided in such a place are invariably found to be true - right? To make sure, I've subjected the theory to a great deal of empirical research since, research that has proved the theory's soundness - to me at least. But don't just take my word for it: today on Scoop comes news of research from impeccable sources backing it up.

I look forward to the new Government health campaign: Sharpen up: Drink more!

NEXT WEEK: How beer built civilisation.
Tags: Economics Education


  1. Since the smoking ban people are drinking more too. My father works part-time in the RSA, and they thought the ban would destroy the place, but patronage is up 50% as is spending at the bar. More money for beer now the cigarettes are gone. So it's an ill-wind.

  2. Doctor Cresswell! Prescribe me some rum so I can get it subsidised from the pharmacy! I need intelligensining

  3. Look ye no further!! My own fast fading carcase provides irrefutable proof of your theory. First I can advise some five years ago my doctor prescribed daily injection of red wine. (The Cook tells me I'm about twenty years ahead of the daily dose rate.) Recently I visited the surgery to obtain relief from excrutiating attacks of gout. The remedy is some goo call Alupirinol or some such. Unfortunately my tame GP was out and I was gicen the once over by an oriental frau gruppen fuhrer who berated me over my diet, my lack of excercise, my indisciplined consumption of boose - all this in the reception area with goggle eyed clients and staff. Ahe had my fileopen in her hand and I reached into it and withdrew the picture of my arteries taken a year earlier when they thought I was going to die. 'Young lady!' I asked, "Do you see this picture? yes "What are these lines here and here?" They are arteries. "Yes, do you see any blockages?" Errr well, no. "So why do you want me to have a dead heart instead of a sore foot?" She turned around and stormed off. The staff clapped and the nurse said 'We've been waiting for months for someone to put that bossy bitch in her place." I had quite a pleasant day after that.


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