The key is to look sane

Guest post by Suzuki Samurai

It's far easier to view NZ elections from afar: not quite so mind numbing -- not confronted with the constant media barrage, the hoardings, the endless chatter at the water cooler or pub.

My primary source of information has been this blog's analysis of the deep-meat; my other source being the endless shallow water of the NZ Herald. The Herald's obsession with the German elephant in the room isn't really surprising in that he makes great copy (to them) in an otherwise barren political landscape.

For them, he adds a Baron to the barren. As much as most folk were sick to their back teeth months ago having to see this goon everywhere they looked, what would the media have had in this election without him? What I'm left wondering is whether the media were just squeezing this for it's alleged juice, or trying to unsettle PM Key, or helping him out. Whether or not that was the plan and most likely not) the latter has been very effective.

So what of the rest of the cast in this pantomime?

Starting from the left:

The Greens showed that ageing hippies are still their mainstay. Despite their indoctrination from every teacher they’ve ever had, the youth vote only has a passing interest in dreadlocks, grow-your-own-bicycles, and drinking their own urine. Turns out, as they grow up, most want to enter the grown up world of capitalism 'cause it makes cool stuff.'   Even if they don’t yet have a grip on what capitalism is, most seem to know what to avoid.

The Inter-Maori-Lala Party: Perhaps an idea can be drawn from what I imagine it was like being member of one of their caucus meetings:

La La: 'Te Tony, I think Marx was a Maori at heart?'
Te Tony: 'Yeah bro, I know, he's on Winston's list.'
La La: 'Nah...sorry Te Tony, not Ron. I mean Karl, the German.'
Te Tony: 'I thought the fulla’s name was Kim … ?'

Kim.Com squeezes in the door, interrupting Te Tony as he lowers himself into two abutted chairs.

'Are zer any more zauzage rolz?'
La La: 'Hello Kim. I'd just like to thank you on all of our behalf for the four million dollar koha.'

Round of applause...except Te Tony.

Te Tony: 'Yeah thanks bro.' 'But I have here...,' Te Tony said unfurling a metre long invoice, 'a bill from Ka Pai catering for five million dollars for hangi, pies, and sausage rolls.'

Everyone's eyes turned to Kim Com.

Through a shower of pastry Kim Com offered, 'How about zee free internet for zee Maoriz?'

Minto: 'What about the bloody Israeli's?'
Kim.Com: 'I can't talk about zee J-...them'
Annette Psycho [shouting]: 'Colonialist!'
Minto [unhinged]: Hegemonist!
Pam Cacophony: 'rark, rarrrrk, swaark.'

Everyone applauded. La La wrote it on her Policy Ideas register – not forgetting to make a note to ask Kim if he actually had that bloody email .

Nuff said.

Labour’s problem: In a word: Cunliffe. Expect a move to the middle again, and a new leader who is less of a, um, well, less of a c...liffe.

Winston First It turns out there is a down side to people living longer -- convinced of their insecurities by an shiny Maori with eyes narrower than a Chinaman’s and an ego larger than the Gobi Desert, wearing one his collection of brand new, twenty-year old Hugh Wright’s suits – perhaps they think he's John Rowles? At least we can be assured that they will eventually be dropped off at the old folks home - we promise to visit...honest.

Colin Craig: Still that school prefect who dobs in smokers. A wanker who doesn't wank. Showers in his 'Y Fronts'. He reminds me of the teeth-only smile one gets from the minister outside church after a funeral...makes me shudder. I am not at all sorry for his loss.

Peter Dunne: A man who wears bow-ties is considered Mr Common Sense. Still as much a mystery as what must be in the Johnsonville water supply.

ACT: Where was the marvellous Jamie Whyte 10 years ago when ACT had money, members and media time? Oh, and whose-ever idea it was to make David Seymour do that appalling gesticulation-on-cue jumping-out-of-bushes video should be shot. He seems too good for that kind of bollocks.

So why National? or more correctly, why John Key? I guess when everyone in the centre and left of it is either creepy, hubristic, or just completely fucking insane, it is hardly surprising is it. 

The key to winning elections, as with much else, is to always look sane.