Tuesday, 12 August 2014

This post is offensive

In the Middle East and Eastern Europe, people are being killed because they’re the wrong race, or the wrong religion.

Kind of puts an antiquated joke and a few vandalised billboards in perspective, doesn’t it?

Are we all just getting a little bit over-offended on behalf of everyone else?  If John Key isn’t offended by jew-baiting billboards and being called Shylock, why should you? If Wongs are offended by a politician in search of a headline, and some are, couldn’t they just lighten up?

Sure, parts of the world are perishing from religious-and race-hatred, but here in this place, we’re not. We’re in the  fortunate position of being unencumbered, so far, thank goodness, by violent racism. Can’t we enjoy that fact?

Can’t we just make fun of our differences, safe in the knowledge these differences are  just part of our character, and mostly unimportant?

Can’t we, please, stop taking offence over nothing more potent than being called names?

Can’t we stop giving pricks like Peters headlines he can easily predict in advance, about jokes that have been around since 1947?

Oh, no, we can’t.

Instead we have earnestness – what PJ O’Rourke used to call stupidity sent to college. Earnestness ensuring that whenever anything remotely colourful appears committees and Commissions full of these right-minded folk  emerge to ensure that none of us say anything inadvertently offensive, and to invite those they think should be offended to be so.

And thank goodness they can help out we less enlightened folk by drawing up rules and charters ensuring no-one anywhere ever is  inadvertently assailed -- nay, assaulted -- with bad thoughts, bad jokes, or actions likely to bring New Zealand into disrepute.

Can't be too careful. Can’t be too safe. Might offend some right-thinking person at any moment. Thank goodness for their lists.

You know, some people are sent emails about which they’re invited to take offence. Me, I get sent those emails to laugh at.

By the way, why am I getting so many emails about Robbie Williams’ dad?

And what do you call a Welshman with a stick up his arse? Answer: A taffy apple.

Please tell me if those quips should that be banned because they’re offensive? Would I be a wrong-thinking person for laughing? Or enjoying a wry smile? Perhaps the people drawing up lists could tell me.  They could tell me after they’ve taken the stick out of their own arse.

Is that sort of mild jest  too offensive, and just plain wrong? Then draw up a list. And don’t read on…

Because, as George Carlin used to say, I believe you can joke about anything. It all depends on the exaggeration. That’s why any good joke works – because it blindsides you; and there is some truth to it. Like this one:

Q: Why can't Helen Keller drive?
A: Because she's a woman.

Or Irish jokes ...

Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
A: One less drunk.

Or Jewish jokes...

Two Jews walking down the street pass a pretty girl going the other way. "Boy," says one, "I'd like to lend her one."

Q: What's a Jewish dilemma?
A: Free ham.

Or German Jokes...

Q: How do you tell the Lufthansa planes at the airport?
A: They're the ones with hair under the wings.

Or French ...

Q: Describe the French national flag?
A: A white cross on a white background.

Or other jokes about Welshmen...

Q: What do you call safe sex in Wales?
A:Marking an 'X' on the sheep that kick.

Or Mexicans...

Q: How do you starve a Mexican?
A: Hide his food stamps under his work boots.

Or Canadians...

Q: How do you break a Canadian's fingers?
A: Punch him in the nose.


Q: What do you use to blindfold a Chinaman?
A: Dental floss.

Q: How do Chinese name their babies?
A: When they're born they throw up all their cutlery in the air to celebrate. Baby is named by the noise the cutlery makes hitting the ground.


Two families moved from Pakistan to America. When they arrived the two fathers made a bet - in a year's time whichever family had become more American would win. A year later they met again. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?" The second man replied, "Fuck you, towel head."

Jokes about Australia ...

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia?
A: Couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

Aussie chicks...

Q: What do Australians girls put behind their ears to make themselves attractive to men?
A: Their feet.


Q: Why did god invent alcohol?
A: So fat women can get laid too.

Q: Why did god create women?
A: Because dogs can't get beer out the fridge.

Q: What's the best thing about dating a homeless chick?
A: It doesn't matter where you drop her off.

Mothers in law...

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

New Zealanders...

A kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says, "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."

New Zealanders (again) ...

Q: What do you call a kiwi with a sheep under one arm, and a goat under the other?
A: A bisexual.

Q: Why are NZ sheepdogs such fast runners?
A; They've seen what happens to the fricken sheep.


Q: What's better than winning the para olympics?
A: Having legs that work.

Q: What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
A: Nice tits!


Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in your bath?
A: Throw your clothes and washing powder in.

Any of those that need to be on a list? Then how about making fun of …


Q: How do you tell when an Indian boy becomes a man?
A: When the diaper goes from the bottom to the top.

Q: What do you say to an Indian at Xmas?
A: A pint of milk, a loaf of bread and 20 Benson & Hedges please.

Q: Why can't Indians play soccer?
A: 'Cos every time they get a corner they want to put a dairy on it.

2 Indian heroin addicts injected curry powder by mistake. Both in intensive care !!
One has a dodgy tikka, and the other one is in a korma.

Pakis ...

Q: What do you call 500 pakis running down the street
A: Hindi 500


Q:What's emptier than the non-alcoholic beer aisle in an Irish store?
A: The toothpaste aisle in an English store.


I went to a Muslim birthday party last night.
Fuck me if that wasn't the fastest game of Pass The Parcel I've ever seen!

I see police have released the names of 2 of the Glasgow car bombers:
Singe Majeep and Maheed Sonfayr.

New website to investigate. It's for muslim terrorists to get in touch with long-lost pals.
It's called Friends Re-Ignited.com.

The Metropolitan Police found a carbomb outside Finsbury Park mosque. Luckily, they managed to push it inside before it went off.

And blacks...

Lad comes home from school and says to his mum "I've got the biggest knob in the third year, is it ‘cos I'm black?". She says "No its because you're 19 you fucking retard".

Q: What do you call a black man with a BMW?
A: Defendant.

And white men...

Q: what's white, hard, and 9 inches long?
A: Nothing.

Q: Why do white people own so many pets?
A: Because they're not allowed to own people anymore.

Q: How do white guys satisfy their wives?
A: They hire a pool boy.

I think I might be racist.
I've just realized all my favourite Nazis are white.

And blondes...

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day?
A: When a tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

And Jesus:

Q: Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes 1 nail to hang the picture.

Sure Jesus loves you, but does he swallow?

And Mormons...

Q: How do you circumcise a Mormon?
A: Kick his sister in the chin!

And Catholics...

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?
A: Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face.

And Michael Jackson...

Victoria Beckham has announced she had an affair with Michael Jackson; Jacko's lawyer said its all lies as he was in Brooklyn at the time.

And Stevie Wonder ...

From Rolling Stone magazine’s interview with Stevie Wonder: "Stevie, what's it like being blind?"
Stevie: "Could have been worse. I could've been black."

And Mike Tyson...

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.

And the KKK...

Q: What's the KKK's favourite film?
A: Roots.'Played backwards.

And lepers...

Did you hear about the leper playing cards? He threw his hand in.

And old people...

Q: What's 60 feet long and stinks of piss?
A: A conga line in an old peoples home.

And South Auckland:

Q:Why do people in South Auckland go to garage sales?
A:To get their stuff back.

Still in South Auckland:

Ferrari's F1 team manager decided to employ some South Auckland teenagers as their new pit crew. This was because of their renowned skill when removing car wheels quickly. At the first practice session not only did they change all four wheels in 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and re-sold the fucker to McClaren for 8 cans of Cody's, a bag of weed and an all-year pass at McDonald's.

And Arabs...

Q: Why do they call camels ships of the desert?
A: Because they're all full of Arab semen.

And hippies…

How do you starve a hippie? Hide their welfare check under the soap.

Q: How do you make an Aborigine pregnant?
A: Cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.

And lawyers...

New client asks lawyer how much he charges.
"Six hundred dollars for three questions," says the lawyer.
"Crikey, that's expensive, isn't it!?"
"Yes, it is. Now, What's your third question."

And rednecks...

Q: What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
A: "Hey y'all... Watch this!"

Q: What does a redneck say when she loses her virginity?
A: "Gramps, you're crushin' my smokes."

Q: What's a redneck definition of a virgin?
A: A girl who runs faster than her uncle.

Q: If a man and woman are married in West Virginia and move to California and get a divorce, are they still brother and sister?

Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve? Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.

And Aborigines...

Q: How do you make an Aborigine pregnant?
A: Cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.

Q: What do Aborigines use for birth control?
A: Fly spray.

Was the “flies” joke funnier with hippies or aborigines?  Why do you think that was? Or not?

Would any of those jokes appear on a list? Should they? Because if they did, I have to presume there'd be no, absolutely no, under any circumstances, jokes like these about the sainted tangata whenua allowed ...

Q: What do you get when you cross a Scotsman and a Maori?
A: A pisshead who never pays for his drinks.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Maori and an octopus?
A: An shoplifter with eight hands.

Q: What does a Maori get for Christmas?
A: Your bike.

Q: Three Maoris and an Islander get into a car. Which one drives?
A: The police officer.

Scientist are trying to combat crime by combining the DNA of a Maori and a Samoan.
The are hoping to come up with a black arse too lazy to steal.

Q: In a race between a honky and a Maori through a tunnel, who would win?
A: The honky, because the Maori has to stop and write on the wall.

Q: What's black and white and rolls down a hill.?
A: A Maori and a seagull fighting over a fish head.

After complaints that there aren't enough Maoris on TV, TVNZ has vowed to solve the problem.
They are now going to show Crimewatch 7 nights a week.

Maori walks into an employment agency.
"Hi. I really really wanna job. Do you have anything?" he asks.
The woman behind the desk looks up and replies; "You're in luck! One just came in. A multi-billionaire needs a driver to drive him around. He's only here one week out of the year, the rest of the time the top-of-the-line-car is yours. But you do have to look after his twin, model, nymphomaniac daughters whilst he's away. And this job pays 300k a year. Interested?"
The Maori starts to smile. "Come on... you're bullshitting me right?"
The woman looks up and says "Well, you started it."

Here's just some of the new Maori television line-up for June:

The Young and the Jobless,
Unmarried with Children,
Little State House on the Prairie,
Black Eye for the White Guy, and

All far, far, far too offensive for right-minded folks, I'm sure.

In fact, why not just give up humour altogether. Far safer. Let's not even think about laughing at jokes like this:

Q: Why did Hitler commit suicide?
A: He opened his gas bill.

But even if you don't laugh you can still be in trouble. "It's great being a Jewish comedian," says Jewish comedian Josh Howie. "If people don't laugh it's not because you're not funny, it's because they're Nazis."

That's Howie's Hitler joke above, by the way. Did you laugh? Bloody Nazi. And also by the way ...

Q: What's the definition of a bigot?
A: Anyone who disagrees with a liberal.

So, offended yet?

Point made?

Sure, political campaigns shouldn’t be full of racist jokes and invective, but … if they do appear, do they really deserve headlines from folk who spend their days searching for reasons to take offence – or, like Susan Devoy, who are paid to take offence on your behalf?

Perhaps we could all simply listen to the wise advice of comedian Stephen Fry:

'It's now very common to hear people say, "I'm rather offended by that", as if that gives them certain rights. It's no more than a whine. It has no meaning, it has no purpose, it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. "I'm offended by that." Well, so fucking what?'

Or Bill Hicks:

"And I've got something else to say to those people who say, 'I'm offended', like some five-year-old child throwing a tantrum. Ready? There are a lot of things in life that are offensive, life itself can be offensive, I myself have a large list of things that offend me...So what!? Grow the **** up! We now live in the 'Age of being offended.' Get over it. Perhaps a little open-mindedness, tolerance, and acceptance may be the antidote to what ails you. Try it and see if your load isn't lifted just a bit. See if your pinched face of fear doesn't relax a tad. Why don't you exercise a little of the faith you say you believe in so much etc etc....you're offended by this material? Well you offend me, where can I send my letters? Huh!?"

In other words, grow the fuck up.

And, to paraphrase Johannes Brahms, If there is anyone here whom I have not yet offended, I beg his (or her) pardon.

Now fuck off and get back to work.


  1. Right. Well now that you've proven your freethinking, oh-so-contrarian, and just SO MUCH SMARTER than everyone else credentials, how about you stop pretending you don't know why the defacing of National billboards with antisemitic slogans is deeply troubling. Or will that taint your image..?

    John Smith

  2. Looks like "John Smith" had a bowl of 'Grouchy Flakes' for breakfast this morning.

    My better half, Tamati, was pissing himself laughing at the Maori jokes - especially the one about the employment agency.

  3. Stephen Fry said it best. Good post Peter. Mara.

  4. The dreadful thing about entering a PC column is that it takes about an hour or two to get out.
    I liked so much the PC decision about jokes, that they can ' blind side you'
    The dreadful thing about entering a PC column is that it takes about an hour or two to get out.
    I liked so much Mr. Cresswell decision about jokes, that they can ' blind side you'
    Well the joke about Helen Keller not being able to drive, it reminds me of my Wife driving;
    Bangkok traffic, four lanes facing us this way maybe another three of motor cycles.
    Then another four lanes the other way, she drives straight out into it.
    I say , hands over face " I will die here" Miss Bangkok Wan kill me, someone please tip my Maid “
    She says “ Don’t wong , I mean long, I mean wrong, i mean you die we burn you traditional Buddha everything OK” she says " this is Thailand husband"


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