Tuesday, 18 August 2009

LIBERTARIANZ SUS: Some Tuesday funnies

Your regular Tuesday columnist Susan Ryder is away from her computer this week enjoying herself shamelessly – but she hasn’t forgotten you completely, campers.  Here’s a few funnies she sent through for your amusement.

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    The NSW Government and the NSW Greens were presenting to the NSW farmers a proposal for controlling the dingo population.
    It seemed that after years of the farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had come up with a more ‘humane’ solution.  They proposed that the animals be captured alive.  The males would then be castrated and let loose again; therefore the population would be controlled.
    This was actually proposed at a meeting of the NSW Farmers and Graziers Association by the NSW Government and the NSW Greens.   The NSWFGA members thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.  Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said:
    “Son, I don't think you understand our problem.  Those dingos ain't shaggin' our sheep.  They're eatin' 'em!”

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What I Want in a Man, Original List (age 21):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves on most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

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A few words for Real Men about Real Women
(from Bruce Feirstein's Real Men Don't Eat Quiche):

  • Real Women don't drive as well as you do
  • Real Women have no past -- that they tell you about
  • Real Women will indulge your wildest sexual fantasies -- and then throw in a few of their own
  • Real Women always have orgasms, but say it's only because of you
  • Real Women do not believe in palimony
  • Real Women can work a manual gear change
  • Real Women don't major in sociology
  • Real Women grow their own nails
  • Real Women shave their legs
  • Real Women are louder in bed than most men
  • Real Women are not afraid to eat quiche
What today's Real Man looks for in a woman:
  • Personality
  • Intelligence
  • Kindness
  • Sense of humour and a good job
  • Sincerity
  • Sympathy
  • Understanding
  • Sweetness
  • A good sense of doubles tennis
  • And the ability to fill in a good insert for Tax Form B
Qualities the Old-Style Real Man looked for in a woman":
  • Trust funds
  • Big breasts

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Susan Ryder’s column appears at NOT PC every Tuesday, even when she doesn’t.

1 comment:

  1. Qualities the Old-Style Real Man looked for in a woman":
    Trust funds
    Big breasts

    Trust fund not essential, obviously.


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