Sunday, 12 June 2005

Political abuse

Enough vitriolic political insults here to fill a scornful Sunday’s speech-writing. Feel free to send me in your own favourites, or (for those I've included from memory alone) your corrections:

Winston Peters is the only Member of Parliament named after a concrete block, and I can understand that.
- David Lange

He’s probably been delayed by a full-length mirror.
- David Lange on the reason for Winston Peters being late to a meeting

He is undoubtedly living proof that a pig’s bladder on a stick can be elected as a member of parliament.
- Tony Banks on fellow MP Terry Dicks

SEN. TED KENNEDY: And when the Reagan administration was selling arms to Iran, where was George?"
ANSWER: Dry, sober, and at home with his wife.
- P.J. O'Rourke

LORD
SANDWICH: You will die either on the gallows, or of the pox.
JOHN WILKES: That must depend on whether I embrace your lordship’s principles or your mistress.

Robert Mugabe is famous for nothing more than running around the jungle shooting people.
- Robert Muldoon at a CHOGM conference held in
Zimbabwe.

Bill Rowling is little more than a shiver looking for a spine to run up and down.
- Robert Muldoon

He opens his mouth and lets the wind blow his tongue around.
- Bill Rowling on ?

Like being savaged by a dead sheep.
- Denis Healey of a verbal attack on him by Sir Geoffrey Howe.

Like being flogged with a warm lettuce.
-
Then-Australian PM Paul Keating on being verbally attacked by Opposition leader John Hewson

Like Woody Allen without the jokes.
- Simon Hoggart on Sir Keith Joseph

Is there no beginning to your talents?
- Clive Anderson to Jeffrey Archer

When he leaves a room the lights go on.
- Anon. on Gordon Brown

When they circumcised Herbert Samuels they threw away the wrong bit.
- David Lloyd George (attrib.)

SIR ALEC DOUGLAS-HOME: Tell me, Mr Chairman, what do you think would have happened if Mr Kruschev had been assassinated and not Mr Kennedy?
CHAIRMAN MAO: I do not believe Mr Onassis would have married Mrs Kruschev.
- Exchange at an official dinner

He is going around the country stirring up apathy.
- William Whitelaw on Harold Wilson

If a traveller were informed that such a man was the Leader of the House of Commons, he might begin to comprehend how the Egyptians worshipped an insect.
- Benjamin Disraeli on Lord John Russell

Mr Speaker, I said the honourable member was a liar it is true and I am sorry for it. The honourable member may place the punctuation where he pleases.
- Richard Brinsley Sheridan, MP.

The two most powerful people in Russia are Czar Nicholas II, and the last person who spoke to him.
- Anon.

It is fitting that we should have buried the unknown Prime Minister by the side of the Unknown Soldier.
- Herbert Asquith at Andrew Bonar Law’s funeral. (Attrib.)

I must follow them; I am their leader.
- Andrew Bonar Law.

Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough!
It isn't fit for humans now…
- John Betjeman

A triumph of modern science – to find the only part of Randolph that wasn’t malignant and remove it.
- Evelyn Waugh on
Randolph Churchill

Winston has devoted the best years of his life to preparing impromptu speeches.
- F.E. Smith

Tell the Lord Privy Seal that I am sealed to my privy, and can only deal with one shit at a time.
- Winston Churchill. (Attrib.)

It says here that Nixon has had an asshole transplant. Bad news: The asshole rejected him.
- Monty Python

Nixon, pull out like your father should have.
- Anti-Vietnam graffiti

How can they tell?
- Dorothy Parker, on being told that Calvin Coolidge was dead.

The trouble with Senator Long is that he is suffering from halitosis of the intellect.
- Harold Ickes on Huey Long

I know what a statesman is. He’s a dead politician. We need more statesmen.
- Robert C. Edwards. (Attrib.)

If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon.
- Johannes Brahms on leaving a gathering of friends.

5 comments:

  1. Robert Winefield12 Jun 2005, 14:29:00

    Blast I left my directory of insulting quotations at home in NZ. I do remember these ones the first was aimed at M Thatcher by I reporter whose name I forgot (sorry)

    "The face that launched a thousand dredges"

    "[Clement Attle is] a sheep in sheep's clothing."
    Winston Churchill

    "Clement Attlee is a modest man who has a good deal to be modest about."
    Winston Churchill

    Lady Astor: "Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee."
    Winston: "Nancy, if I were your husband I'd drink it."

    ReplyDelete
  2. In times of disorder and stress, the fanatics play a prominent role; in times of peace, the critics. Both are shot after the revolution. - Edmund Wilson -

    But this is what most political bloggers do - just blow off about the "other" side saying nothing a thinking person may be interested in. People don't read Michael Moore or Rush Limbaugh to be intellectually challenged - they read it to reinforce their prejudices.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi Peter,

    On the merits of this posting I've added you to my blogs list.

    Greg

    www.gmaninc.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  4. Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a state banquet (I think).

    Lady Astor: "You sir are drunk."

    Churchill: "And you madam are ugly, I however shall be sobre in the morning."

    ReplyDelete
  5. "How can they tell?"
    - Dorothy Parker, on being told that Calvin Coolidge was dead.

    The supposed answer: "He had an erection".

    ReplyDelete

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