Enough vitriolic political insults here to fill a scornful Sunday’s speech-writing. Feel free to send me in your own favourites, or (for those I've included from memory alone) your corrections:
Winston Peters is the only Member of Parliament named after a concrete block, and I can understand that.
- David Lange
He’s probably been delayed by a full-length mirror.
- David Lange on the reason for Winston Peters being late to a meeting
He is undoubtedly living proof that a pig’s bladder on a stick can be elected as a member of parliament.
- Tony Banks on fellow MP Terry Dicks
SEN. TED KENNEDY: And when the Reagan administration was selling arms to
ANSWER: Dry, sober, and at home with his wife.
- P.J. O'Rourke
JOHN WILKES: That must depend on whether I embrace your lordship’s principles or your mistress.
Robert Mugabe is famous for nothing more than running around the jungle shooting people.
- Robert Muldoon at a CHOGM conference held in
Bill Rowling is little more than a shiver looking for a spine to run up and down.
- Robert Muldoon
He opens his mouth and lets the wind blow his tongue around.
- Bill Rowling on ?
Like being savaged by a dead sheep.
- Denis Healey of a verbal attack on him by Sir Geoffrey Howe.
Like being flogged with a warm lettuce.
- Then-Australian PM Paul Keating on being verbally attacked by Opposition leader John Hewson
Like Woody Allen without the jokes.
- Simon Hoggart on Sir Keith Joseph
Is there no beginning to your talents?
- Clive Anderson to Jeffrey Archer
When he leaves a room the lights go on.
- Anon. on Gordon Brown
When they circumcised Herbert Samuels they threw away the wrong bit.
- David Lloyd George (attrib.)
SIR ALEC DOUGLAS-HOME: Tell me, Mr Chairman, what do you think would have happened if Mr Kruschev had been assassinated and not Mr Kennedy?
CHAIRMAN MAO: I do not believe Mr Onassis would have married Mrs Kruschev.
- Exchange at an official dinner
He is going around the country stirring up apathy.
- William Whitelaw on Harold Wilson
If a traveller were informed that such a man was the Leader of the House of Commons, he might begin to comprehend how the Egyptians worshipped an insect.
- Benjamin Disraeli on Lord John Russell
Mr Speaker, I said the honourable member was a liar it is true and I am sorry for it. The honourable member may place the punctuation where he pleases.
- Richard Brinsley Sheridan, MP.
The two most powerful people in
It is fitting that we should have buried the unknown Prime Minister by the side of the Unknown Soldier.
- Herbert Asquith at Andrew Bonar Law’s funeral. (Attrib.)
I must follow them; I am their leader.
- Andrew Bonar Law.
Come friendly bombs and fall on
It isn't fit for humans now…
- John Betjeman
A triumph of modern science – to find the only part of
- Evelyn Waugh on
Winston has devoted the best years of his life to preparing impromptu speeches.
- F.E. Smith
Tell the Lord Privy Seal that I am sealed to my privy, and can only deal with one shit at a time.
- Winston Churchill. (Attrib.)
It says here that Nixon has had an asshole transplant. Bad news: The asshole rejected him.
- Monty Python
Nixon, pull out like your father should have.
- Anti-Vietnam graffiti
How can they tell?
- Dorothy Parker, on being told that Calvin Coolidge was dead.
The trouble with Senator Long is that he is suffering from halitosis of the intellect.
- Harold Ickes on Huey Long
I know what a statesman is. He’s a dead politician. We need more statesmen.
- Robert C. Edwards. (Attrib.)
If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon.
- Johannes Brahms on leaving a gathering of friends.