“Don’t act like you own your children” [updated]

 

If there are children who suffer from the poverty of low expectations, there are many others suffering the pain of living out the expectations of their parents, instead of their own. Australian novelist and father of x Vinay Kolhatkar has some timely advice for such parents: “Don’t Act Like You Own Your Children.”

“You don’t own your children.” If those five words were ingrained in us, half the parenting problems in the world, and half the parent-child relationship strains would disappear. “No, I can’t bring them to your wedding, because they are not suitcases or trophies; they would rather be doing something else.” “No, he doesn’t like computer programming or mathematics, so just quit nagging him.” In some households, parents continue to control their children’s lives well into adulthood, sometimes even as children enter their thirties and forties.
    Besides basic care giving, as a parent the principal help you can provide is to facilitate your children finding their central passion during their teenage years. If one is not there, suggest that they develop one, gently so. Ask them to go on a voyage of discovery about what it takes to achieve the goals they are passionate about; as a rule, the higher the goal, the greater is the effort required, the higher are the chances of failure. Then let go. Let go. Do not manipulate. Do not expect reward and gratitude, you do not have that as a right, no matter what your sacrifice; it was not bargained for by a young child. Do not expect anything. Do not sit there hoping this happens or that happens. Do not ever show off your children. Do not ever interfere in their relationships or manipulate their career choices.
    Do not become a tiger mum or a tiger pop. Just let go. Let…go. It is a new, different human being. Watch what happens. Let the flower bloom. Why is this so hard to understand?

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