Prepare to be offended
I’m astonished. Observing that bloggers and talkback callers are still talking about Paul Henry, or using him in one-liners about cocks, I just did a Google search of news over the last two days for “Paul Henry” references.There are about 77,100 results.
77,100! Including the news that TVNZ yesterday “upheld around 1500 complaints made against Paul Henry.”
1500 complaints. 77,100 people still wanting to talk about him.
Is this insane?
I think so. So many right-minded folk going out of their way to be offended, still. Or to talk about the giving and receiving of offence. Still.
So to help the rest of us out—those who are so oafish we might inadvertently cause offence—I wonder if one of those 1500 umbrage-takers could help the rest of us out.
Perhaps you could help we less enlightened folk by drawing up a charter to ensure readers, viewers and people being sent random YouTube clips are never inadvertently assailed -- nay, assaulted -- with bad thoughts, bad jokes, or actions likely to cause offence. Can't be too careful. Might offend some right-thinking person at any moment. Best to know in advance, right, what might offend some worthy “stakeholder.”
Perhaps you could start a group, or a committee of other "right-thinking people" –- maybe with Simon Power-Lust and Geoffrey Palmer in tow, since they're both such worthy candidates for bossing us the fuck around—and they’ve both got a goddamn stick up their arse about people expressing themselves and having a good time.
Perhaps Wikipedia will already have a list they can use?
(By the way, what do you call a Welshman with a stick up his arse? Answer: A taffy apple.
And what should you call a politician with power-lust on his breath? Answer: Inmate.)
Sorry, couldn’t help myself. But please tell me if those jokes should be banned because they’re offensive? Or if I should be labelled a wrong-thinking person for laughing at them?
(Perhaps you can tell me when you get the stick out of your own arse.)
I need to know, you see, if those sorts of jokes are just too offensive, and just too, too wrong? Because I'm only an ignorant cracker arsehole, you see and I just can't tell.
Or how about these jokes ...
Q: Why can't Helen Keller drive?
A: Because she's a woman.
Is that too offensive? Or how about Irish jokes ...
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
A: One less drunk.
Or Jewish jokes...
Two Jews walking down the street pass a pretty girl going the other way. "Boy," says one, "I'd like to lend her one."
Q: What's a Jewish dilemma?
A: Free ham.
Or German Jokes...
Q: How do you tell the Lufthansa planes at the airport?
A: They're the ones with hair under the wings.
Or French ...
Q: Describe the French national flag?
A: A white cross on a white background.
Or other jokes about Welshmen...
Q: What do you call safe sex in Wales?
A:Marking an 'X' on the sheep that kick.
Q: How do you starve a mexican?
A: Hide his food stamps under his work boots.
Q: How do you break a Canadian's fingers?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: What do you use to blindfold a Chinaman?
A: Dental floss.
Q: How do Chinese name their babies?
A: When they're born they throw up all their cutlery in the air to celebrate. Baby is named by the noise the cutlery makes hitting the ground.
Two families moved from Pakistan to America. When they arrived the two fathers made a bet - in a year's time whichever family had become more American would win. A year later they met again. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?" The second man replied, "Fuck you, towel head."
Jokes about Australia ...
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia?
A: Couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
Q: What do Australians girls put behind their ears to make themselves attractive to men?
A: Their feet.
Q: Why did god invent alcohol?
A: So fat women can get laid too.
Q: Why did god create women?
A: Because dogs can't get beer out the fridge.
Q: What's the best thing about dating a homeless chick?
A: It doesn't matter where you drop her off.
Can we even say “chicks”? And can we still tell jokes about mothers-in-law...
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Or New Zealanders...
A kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." The man says, "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."
Q: What do you call a kiwi with a sheep under one arm, and a goat under the other?
A: A bisexual.
Q: Why are NZ sheepdogs such fast runners?
A; They've seen what happens to the fricken sheep.
Or about Cripples.
Q: What's better than winning the para olympics?
A: Having legs that work.
Q: What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
A: Nice tits!
Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in your bath?
A: Throw your clothes in.
Q: How do you tell when an Indian boy becomes a man?
A: When the diaper goes from the bottom to the top.
Q: What do you say to a Paki at Xmas?
A: A pint of milk, a loaf of bread and 20 Benson & Hedges please.
Q: Why can't Indians play soccer?
A: 'Cos every time they get a corner they want to put a dairy on it.
2 Indian heroin addicts injected curry powder by mistake. Both in intensive care !!
One has a dodgy tikka, and the other one is in a korma.
Q: What do you call 500 pakis running down the street
A: Hindi 500
Q:What's emptier than the non-alcoholic beer aisle in an Irish store?
A: The toothpaste aisle in an English store.
I went to a Muslim birthday party last night.
Fuck me if that wasn't the fastest game of Pass The Parcel I've ever seen!
I see police have released the names of 2 of the Glasgow car bombers:
Singe Majeep and Maheed Sonfayr.
New website to investigate. It's for muslim terrorists to get in touch with long-lost pals.
It's called Friends Re-Ignited.com.
The Metropolitan Police found a carbomb outside Finsbury Park mosque. Luckily, they managed to push it inside before it went off.
Q: How do you make an Aborigine pregnant?
A: cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.
Q: What do Aborigines use for birth control?
A: Fly spray.
Lad comes home from school and says to his mum "I've got the biggest knob in the third year, is it cos I'm black?". She says "No its because you're 19 you fucking retard".
Q: What do you call a black man with a BMW?
And white men...
Q: what's white, hard, and 9 inches long?
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day?
A: When a tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes 1 nail to hang the picture.
Sure Jesus loves you, but does he swallow?
Q: How do you circumcise a Mormon?
A: Kick his sister in the chin!
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?
A: Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face.
And Michael Jackson...
Victoria Beckham has announced she had an affair with Micheal Jackson; Jacko's lawyer said its all lies as he was in Brooklyn at the time.
And Stevie Wonder ...
From Rolling Stone magazine’s interview with Stevie Wonder: "Stevie, what's it like being blind?"
Stevie: "Could have been worse. I could've been black."
And Mike Tyson...
Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.
And the Ku Klux Klan...
Q: What's the KKK's favourite film?
A: Roots. Played backwards.
Did you hear about the leper playing cards? He threw his hand in.
And old people...
Q: What's 60 feet long and stinks of piss?
A: A conga line in an old peoples home.
And South Auckland:
Q:Why do people in South Auckland go to garage sales?
A:To get their stuff back.
Ferrari's F1 team manager decided to employ some South Auckland teenagers as their new pit crew. This was because of their renowned skill when removing car wheels quickly. At the first practice session not only did they change all four wheels in 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and re-sold the fucker to McClaren for 8 cans of Cody's, a bag of weed and an all-year pass at McDonald's.
Q: Why do they call camels ships of the desert?
A: Because they're all full of Arab semen.
New client asks lawyer how much he charges.
"Six hundred dollars for three questions," says the lawyer.
"Crikey, that's expensive, isn't it!?"
"Yes, it is. Now, What's your third question."
Q: What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
A: "Hey y'all... Watch this!"
Q: What does a redneck say when she loses her virginity?
A: "Gramps, you're crushin' my smokes."
Q: What's redneck definition of a virgin?
A: A girl who runs faster than her uncle.
Q: If a man and woman are married in West Virginia and move to California and get a divorce, are they still brother and sister?
And I have to presume there'd be no, absolutely no, under any circumstances, jokes like these about the sainted tangata whenua allowed. Like these ones ...
Q: What do you get when you cross a Scotsman and a Maori?
A: A pisshead who never pays for his drinks.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Maori and an octopus?
A: An shoplifter with eight hands.
Q: What does a Maori get for Christmas?
A: Your bike.
Q: Three Maoris and an Islander get into a car. Which one drives?
A: The police officer.
Scientist are trying to combat crime by combining the DNA of a Maori and a Samoan.
The are hoping to come up with a black arse too lazy to steal.
Q: In a race between a honky and a Maori through a tunnel, who would win?
A: The honky, because the Maori has to stop and write on the wall.
Q: What's black and white and rolls down a hill?
A: A Maori and a seagull fighting over a fish head.
After complaints that there aren't enough Maoris on TV, TVNZ has vowed to solve the problem.
They are now going to show Crimewatch 7 nights a week.
Maori walks into an employment agency.
"Hi. I really really wanna job. Do you have anything?" he asks.
The woman behind the desk looks up and replies; "You're in luck! One just came in. A multi-billionaire needs a driver to drive him around. He's only here one week out of the year, the rest of the time the top-of-the-line-car is yours. But you do have to look after his twin, model, nymphomaniac daughters whilst he's away. And this job pays 300k a year. Interested?"
The Maori starts to smile. "Come on... you're bullshitting me right?"
The woman looks up and says "Well, you started it."
Here's just some of the new Maori television line-up for December:
The Young and the Jobless,
Unmarried with Children,
Little State House on the Prairie,
Black Eye for the White Guy, and
All far, far, far too offensive for right-minded folks, I'm sure.
In fact, why not just give up humour altogether. Far safer. Let's not even think about laughing at jokes like this:
Q: Why did Hitler commit suicide?
A: He opened his gas bill.
But even if you don't laugh you can still be in trouble. "It's great being a Jewish comedian," says Jewish comedian Josh Howie. "If people don't laugh it's not because you're not funny, it's because they're Nazis."
That's Howie's Hitler joke above, by the way. Did you laugh? That must mean you’re a bloody Nazi too. And also by the way ...
Q: What's the definition of a bigot?
A: Anyone who disagrees with a liberal.
So, point made?
Perhaps we could all simply listen to the wise advice of Hugh Laurie's former comedic partner Stephen Fry:
'It's now very common to hear people say, "I'm rather offended by that", as if that gives them certain rights. It's no more than a whine. It has no meaning, it has no purpose, it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. "I'm offended by that." Well, so fucking what?'
Or Bill Hicks:
"And I've got something else to say to those people who say, 'I'm offended', like some five-year-old child throwing a tantrum. Ready? There are a lot of things in life that are offensive, life itself can be offensive, I myself have a large list of things that offend me...So what!? Grow the **** up! We now live in the 'Age of being offended.' Get over it. Perhaps a little open-mindedness, tolerance, and acceptance may be the antidote to what ails you. Try it and see if your load isn't lifted just a bit. See if your pinched face of fear doesn't relax a tad. Why don't you exercise a little of the faith you say you believe in so much etc etc....you're offended by this material? Well you offend me, where can I send my letters? Huh!?"
Or George Carlin:
"Ohhh, some people don't like you to talk like that. Ohh, some people like to shut you up for saying those things. You know that. Lots of people. Lots of groups in this country want to tell you how to talk. Tell you what you can't talk about. Well, sometimes they'll say, well you can talk about something but you can't joke about it. Say you can't joke about something because it's not funny. Comedians run into that shit all the time... I believe you can joke about anything. It all depends on how you construct the joke. What the exaggeration is. What the exaggeration is. Because every joke needs one exaggeration. Every joke needs one thing to be way out of proportion"
This just before a joke about Elmer Fudd raping Porky Pig. Think about that for a moment. Then read Carlin on the English. As he says, "These are the kind of thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools":
"Are you sick of this "royal family" shit? Who gives a fuck about these people? Who cares about the English in general? The uncivilized, murderous backward English. Inbred savages hiding behind Shakespeare, pretending to be cultured. Don't be misled by the manners; if you want to know that lurks beneath the surface, take a look at the soccer crowds. That's true British character. I'm Irish and I'm American, and we've had to kick these degenerate English motherfuckers out of both our countries."
I believe you can joke about anything. It all depends on the exaggeration. And if your only response to humour is to whine "I'm offended by that," then don’t be surprised if the response you get, as you should get, is “Well, so fucking what?”
In other words, grow the fuck up. And get a life. And if you don’t like it, turn it the fuck off.
And to paraphrase Johannes Brahms, If there is anyone here whom I have not yet offended, I beg his (or her) pardon.