Abominations? Ask Laura

Speaking of irreverence, here’s something that’s been around a while but can always milk another derisive laugh…

On her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew,
homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be
condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to
Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny,
as well as informative:

    Dear Dr. Laura

    Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as
many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle,
for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an
abomination ... End of debate.

    I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of
God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided
they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies
to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this
day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of
menstrual uncleanliness (Lev.15: 19-24). The problem is how do I tell? I have tried
asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor
for the Lord (Lev.1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not
pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly
states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should
I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10),
it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are
there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my
sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20,
or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples,
even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but
may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the
same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread
(cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.
Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to
stone them? (Lev.24:10-16).
Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who
sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

    I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise
in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

    Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.   

    Your adoring fan.
    James M. Kauffman,
    Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
    Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
    University of Virginia

PS: It really would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian.