Wednesday, 13 January 2010

Those bloody lawyers

As regular readers will know (that’s both of you), my general opinion of lawyers as a species couldn’t be lower.  And every time I work with one my already impossibly low opinion comes out even lower, even—or even especially—when they’re supposed to be working for me.

I’ve just had another such encounter with one, leaving me to think that as a breed extermination may not be too unkind.

But before I do anything hasty, perhaps you readers (that’s both of you again) could tell me that I’m wrong.  Perhaps you can tell me about lawyers you know who aren’t either venal, dishonest or shambolically inept – or yourself.

And while you’re thinking about making a story up for me—which you’ll have to, since there’s no way it can possibly be based on fact—let me tell you my favourite lawyer joke.

    Chap walks into a lawyer’s office, and says, “How much do you charge?”  Says the lawyer, “One-hundred and fifty dollars for three questions.”
   “One-hundred and fifty dollars for three questions?!” says the man, aghast. “Jeez, that’s expensive isn’t it?!”
    “Sure is,” says the lawyer.  “Now what’s your third question.”


  1. All the lawyers I know are lovely, but I've never had to deal with any of them in a professional capacity.

  2. I have shagged so many female lawyers over the years (including some high profile names) and I loved it. They probably loved my money more than me, I think. I have had long term relationships at different times with a couple of them (also have children with each) and they're nice at home but arrogant in their own practice when dealing with clients (I had witnessed that first hand).

    I was a lawyer myself, but then got out and became a (reasonably successful) businessman.

  3. How many lawyers designed leaky homes?

  4. How many lawyers wrote the rules to make sure nobody was accountable for them?

  5. Plenty of architects being sued KG. Plenty. That misery is in the billions. Find me a lawyer who has created billions of dollars of misery.

    That anon comment was me also. Too busy @ work to log in properly etc. At least I'm ballsy enough to own up!

  6. "Find me a lawyer who has created billions of dollars of misery"

    Barack Obama (and he's not done yet)

  7. I have at least a hundred lawyer jokes. I'll try not to inflict them all upon you. It's unfair really - lawyers don't think they are funny and other people don't realise they are jokes. OK, just one then:

    A local charity had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called to get a contribution.

    "Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn't you like to help the community?"

    The lawyer replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with medical bills several times her annual income?"

    "Um, no," mumbled the director.

    "Or that my brother is blind and unemployed?" The stricken director began to stammer an apology.

    "Or that my sister's husband died in an accident," said the lawyer, his voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three kids?"

    The humiliated director said simply,"I had no idea."

    "So, if I don't give any money to them, why would I give money to you?"


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