Bernard Darnton has heard so many apologies recently that he’s forgotten who said what.
Ronny Hidewira was unrepentant last week when caught scamming the taxpayer for a personal holiday. Lashing out at his opponents he said, “You socialist motherfuckers have been raping our wallets and ripping us off for decades. I just wanted some of the action.”
Hidewira had been caught gilding his expenses after a dirty weekend with his new girlfriend, Lolita Crime. Crime, at one third of Hidewira’s age, is affectionately known to the middle-aged politician as “the perky busty.”
The impromptu holiday took place while the Associate Minister for Local Wine and Cheese was on a trip to Brussels to examine Europe’s “super-country” project. The super-country project will replace all of Europe’s disjointed national governments with a single authority resulting in continent-wide economies of scale. Hidewira began his trip by meeting one-on-one with project head Viggo Rustaks, the Swedish Finance Minister.
However, instead of attending Tuesday’s scheduled meeting on Polish banana-farm subsidies he took a side trip to Hawaii to practice for an upcoming appearance on Surfing with the Stars and to impress his teenage girlfriend with his Gold Elite Airpoints card. “Fuck it,” he said, “I’m only in the northern hemisphere once every couple of months so why not?”
In an interview on National Radio yesterday, Hidewira apologised for his language. “I don’t resile from the sentiment of what I said but I realise that the language was inappropriate. I know that a lot of people are uncomfortable with the ‘mofo’ word but, as someone who’s currently enjoying a bit of intergenerational nookie, I don’t want to give the impression that there’s anything wrong with that. My party’s policy is that whatever goes on in a private individual’s bedroom, spa pool, or Ottoman-themed dungeon is their own business.”
When challenged that his apology wasn’t so much an apology as a cynical self-justifying PR exercise, he responded, “I’m sick to the back teeth – teeth by Dental Artistry, Newmarket; call now for a free quote – of this puritanical bullshit. There are 120 snouts in the Parliamentary trough, why are you hounding me? Is it because I’m heterosexual?”
He continued, “I’m not answerable to you. I’m only answerable to the good people of Te Tamariki o Remuera and they will judge me, years from now when this is all forgotten.”
Hidewira’s fate now lies in the hands of his party’s leadership. Māoreact Party leader Rongo Wright admits that she’s disappointed by Hidewira’s behaviour but says that his weight loss regime is probably responsible, blaming Post-Colonic Traumatic Stress Disorder.
* * Bernard Darnton will be posting irregularly over the next eight weeks while he helps support the European viticulture economy. Look out for a live post and photo from the Vatican – and as many posts as his consumption of wine and cheese allow. No taxpayers’ money will be harmed in the making of his fact-finding mission. * *