Wednesday, May 02, 2007

A "Brief Guide" to American newspapers

A "Brief Guide" to American newspapers, and who reads them.
  • The Wall Street Journal is read by people who run the country.
  • The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
  • The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
  • USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but really don't understand The New York Times. They do, however, like statistics shown in pie charts.
  • The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country - if they could find the time ... and if they didn't have to leave southern California to do it.
  • The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
  • The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
  • The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
  • The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
  • The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country ... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy -- provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.
  • The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
(Thanks to RC for sending on the guide.) Anybody like to try something similar with New Zealand newspapers? Or even ... blogs?

10 Comments:

Blogger Matt B said...

Cool post. San Francisco Chronicle is spot on. I lived there for a year and I still can't figure out whether who scares me more: Bush or the people in SF who hate him so completely.

5/02/2007 01:37:00 pm  
Blogger Jonathan said...

NZ Herald, for people who think they are the country & like to read animal/fashion/global warming stories in traffic

5/02/2007 02:12:00 pm  
Anonymous Sus said...

Spot on, Matt B. But what's really scary is when you realise that there's no real difference between either.

They're both Big Govt proponents who don't think twice about chipping away at liberty.

5/02/2007 02:41:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Isn't this a rip off the Yes Minister sketch?

I think the final line was

"and the people who read the Sun don;t care who runs the country as long as she' got big t[oo]ts"

Insider

5/02/2007 03:29:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here it is from Wiki. In Episode 4 of the second series of Yes, Prime Minister, Jim Hacker says:

"I know exactly who reads the papers: The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country; The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country; The Times is read by people who actually do run the country; The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country; The Financial Times is read by people who own the country; The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country; and The Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is."

Sir Humphrey: "Prime Minister, what about the people who read The Sun?"

Bernard Woolley: "Sun readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big tits."

Insider

5/02/2007 03:36:00 pm  
Blogger PC said...

"Isn't this a rip off the Yes Minister sketch?"

Ah, THAT's why it sounded so familiar.

Well spotted, Insider.

5/02/2007 03:43:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

• H1 says:
"I know exactly who reads the papers: The DominionPost is read by people who think they run the country; The Listener is written and read by people who think they ought to run the country; The NZ Herald is read by people who actually do run the country; Cuisine is read by the wives of the people who run the country; The Cut is read by people who own the country; Investigate is read by people who think someone is conspiring to take over the country and Uncensored is read by people who think they already have."
H2: "Prime Minister, what about the people who read The Sunday News?"
Kathryn Street: "Their readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big t[00]ts."

Maybe we could do one on tv programmes

"I know exactly who watches TV: The NZ Herald is read by people who think they run the country; Campbell Live is watched by people who think they ought to run the country; Queer Nation is watched by people who actually do run the country; Frontseat is adored by the (ahem) ‘partners’ of the people who run the country, and they sometimes even appear on it; Sky Sport is watched by the people who own the country; Lost is watched by people who think there just might be something going on somewhere but can’t quite pin it down… Destiny TV watchers have absolute certainty about who is running the country and are praying for divine intervention to save us from ourselves."
H2: "Prime Minister, what about the people who watch Game of Two Halves?"
Kathryn Street: "They don't care who runs the country, as long as they flop it out on nude day."

Insider

5/02/2007 04:13:00 pm  
Anonymous Sus said...

Bravo, Insider! Fab! Best laugh I've had today.

The only laugh today - aside from John Key, of course.

5/02/2007 04:25:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Of course that should have been "Close Up is watched by people who think they run the country..."

5/02/2007 04:31:00 pm  
Blogger PC said...

Excellent effort, Insider, but you've missed out two important magazines:

'The DumbOnion' is read by people who think they run the country; 'The Listeria' is written and read by people who think they ought to run the country; The 'National Business Review' is read by people who actually do run the country; the 'Guardian Weekly' is imported and read by those who think they're running the people who run the country' and 'The Free Radical' is read by those who think they shouldn't.

:-)

5/02/2007 05:31:00 pm  

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