Enough vitriolic political insults here to fill a scornful Sunday’s speech-writing. Feel free to send me in your own favourites, or (for those I've included from memory alone) your corrections:
Winston Peters is the only Member of Parliament named after a concrete block, and I can understand that.
- David Lange
He’s probably been delayed by a full-length mirror.
- David Lange on the reason for Winston Peters being late to a meeting
He is undoubtedly living proof that a pig’s bladder on a stick can be elected as a member of parliament.
- Tony Banks on fellow MP Terry Dicks
SEN. TED KENNEDY: And when the Reagan administration was selling arms to Iran, where was George?"
ANSWER: Dry, sober, and at home with his wife.
- P.J. O'Rourke
LORD SANDWICH: You will die either on the gallows, or of the pox.
JOHN WILKES: That must depend on whether I embrace your lordship’s principles or your mistress.
Robert Mugabe is famous for nothing more than running around the jungle shooting people.
- Robert Muldoon at a CHOGM conference held in Zimbabwe.
Bill Rowling is little more than a shiver looking for a spine to run up and down.
- Robert Muldoon
He opens his mouth and lets the wind blow his tongue around.
- Bill Rowling on ?
Like being savaged by a dead sheep.
- Denis Healey of a verbal attack on him by Sir Geoffrey Howe.
Like being flogged with a warm lettuce.
- Then-Australian PM Paul Keating on being verbally attacked by Opposition leader John Hewson
Like Woody Allen without the jokes.
- Simon Hoggart on Sir Keith Joseph
Is there no beginning to your talents?
- Clive Anderson to Jeffrey Archer
When he leaves a room the lights go on.
- Anon. on Gordon Brown
When they circumcised Herbert Samuels they threw away the wrong bit.
- David Lloyd George (attrib.)
SIR ALEC DOUGLAS-HOME: Tell me, Mr Chairman, what do you think would have happened if Mr Kruschev had been assassinated and not Mr Kennedy?
CHAIRMAN MAO: I do not believe Mr Onassis would have married Mrs Kruschev.
- Exchange at an official dinner
He is going around the country stirring up apathy.
- William Whitelaw on Harold Wilson
If a traveller were informed that such a man was the Leader of the House of Commons, he might begin to comprehend how the Egyptians worshipped an insect.
- Benjamin Disraeli on Lord John Russell
Mr Speaker, I said the honourable member was a liar it is true and I am sorry for it. The honourable member may place the punctuation where he pleases.
- Richard Brinsley Sheridan, MP.
The two most powerful people in Russia are Czar Nicholas II, and the last person who spoke to him.
It is fitting that we should have buried the unknown Prime Minister by the side of the Unknown Soldier.
- Herbert Asquith at Andrew Bonar Law’s funeral. (Attrib.)
I must follow them; I am their leader.
- Andrew Bonar Law.
Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough!
It isn't fit for humans now…
- John Betjeman
A triumph of modern science – to find the only part of Randolph that wasn’t malignant and remove it.
- Evelyn Waugh on Randolph Churchill
Winston has devoted the best years of his life to preparing impromptu speeches.
- F.E. Smith
Tell the Lord Privy Seal that I am sealed to my privy, and can only deal with one shit at a time.
- Winston Churchill. (Attrib.)
It says here that Nixon has had an asshole transplant. Bad news: The asshole rejected him.
- Monty Python
Nixon, pull out like your father should have.
- Anti-Vietnam graffiti
How can they tell?
- Dorothy Parker, on being told that Calvin Coolidge was dead.
The trouble with Senator Long is that he is suffering from halitosis of the intellect.
- Harold Ickes on Huey Long
I know what a statesman is. He’s a dead politician. We need more statesmen.
- Robert C. Edwards. (Attrib.)
If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon.
- Johannes Brahms on leaving a gathering of friends.
Labels: Iran, Zimbabwe